10 April 2014
It seems like yesterday, we were just sitting at the bench of the hospital parking lot, talking and looking at each other, exchanging thoughts and words, and more importantly professing our feelings which marked the day. It was past 8 o'clock in the evening when he asked me "Palangga mo ko?" (do you love me?) and i was speechless then; he then said "manumdom na siya anai kung ano sabat niya..." (and there she is still pondering what to say...) and that's when i said "di na ko manumdom ya" (i dont need to think it over), and he asked me once more. That time i nodded in approval, yes i do love him... Then he raised his hands up in the air and shouted YES! asking what shall he do next-- is he gonna jump into the pond or what? LOL...
That night was euphoric, the feeling of being in love is so high it makes me wonder why people would need drugs. I went to bed that night with his first kiss still lingering in my cheek (right cheek to be exact), his trembling, moist lips touching my face for the first time is a mark in my date-time-continuum and i cannot get over the thought of me having my first ever boyfriend. I woke up the next day thinking what happened last night was all part of a beautiful dream, so i checked my inbox and facts say dream or no dream, he was definitely my boyfriend... My first ever boyfriend to whom i shared a big chunk of my "Firsts"; a big chunk of my heart.
When i found that guy, whether he admits it or not, he was a mess. He was like a muddy teddy bear that i found in the middle of a dark alley with a button eye missing, ripped clothes, a missing ear and a broken smile. He was a smoker, a drinker, computer game addict, disrespectful with his father, no regard to others, a womanizer, a liar, a non-christian (no offense meant, only stating facts)... In fact the happy days of our relationship lasted very shortly-- in fact we were only 2 days as a couple when he lied to me (oh! actually everything started with a lie so basically, from the moment of our first day out together he was already living a lie)... Now this is where it got interesting, on our 6th day, 4 March 2009 something happened that once again made a huge mark on my date-time-continuum, I met his girlfriend.
Whatever happened that night is securely locked away in the deepest depth of my brain so let's just let it go. The thing here is, i could have ran away, far away from him for a lot of reasons: 1)he hurt me, and we're barely a week as a couple, 2)"Blessed is the man that walketh not in the counsel of the ungodly, nor standeth in the way of sinners, no sitteth in the sit of the scornful; 3) taking him back is like giving him this gigantic chance of him hurting me again... My mother once said, "when you're an intelligent person, you are usually so stupid when it comes to love"-- and maybe she's right, i took all those risk and taught myself to trust him again, it was like me handing him a gun and trusting him never to pull the trigger. i risked my life and relationship with God... (T_T)... i hate to say this but during our first years together, i drifted away from God because of him... and of course i am putting blame on me as well because i allowed myself to drift away. There were points where every time i take a bath, i fall into tears thinking of how unclean i am, asking God to consecrate me. But God never left me, he heard my cries and took me.
I am not a perfect girlfriend. But everything i can do to show my love for him, i did. I showed too much that apparently i was hurting myself for expecting too much as well... my friend once told me, "Wla siya puch nagkulang sang pagpalangga niya sa imo, nag sobra ka lng..." (he hasn't fallen short in his love for you puch, it's just that your love was too much)
Well then, is there a thing as too much love? how could you even measure love? or is it even measurable?
God knows i prayed for this guy... i prayed for his healing, for his family, for his career, for his life. I stood by him in every situation he is in- when he was hot with fever or down with a flu; i cooked for him and washed for him, and made things i did for no one else but him. I spend time with his family (and thank God that they like me too =)), in fact tatay came to me one time and told me he was thankful that i became his son's girlfriend because he changed... i may not have done it on purpose but little by little he did change, and nothing can compare to the happiness it brings. All the things i did for him, none of those i regret because all of those things i did for love... sounds cheezy right? well, it's worth it...
years passed and we cannot stop change. there were times that we both have fallen short, and there were times that i would cry bucket-full of tears. There were cool-offs in the relationship for the very reason that i get hurt over and over with the same cause. I am a human being and i get tired of crying, of getting hurt, of getting broken over and over again. yet every time we take a break from this whole relationship thing, he would come to me and sweep me off my feet again and vows never to hurt me again... But guess what! Well you might have guessed right, because what happens next is just the cycle of the history. On the first months of getting back together, he's as sweet as honey and acts like "the person you really want". But wait till the succeeding months cause here comes all the frustrations. Don't get me wrong, i may have my fault and i admit it. At times I'm a drag and a total jealous person but within concept! here's an idea, who on this planet would ever want for you to meet your ex? he promised to tell me everything (especially bout that) and yet he didn't. i know i get mad at times but i see to it that it is within reason, and if i'm not, i redeem myself for what i did.
i just want to know why is it easy for you to hurt me? you may answer that you are not hurting me but that is not what is happening. i really am starting to think that you are depending too much on the idea that i am afraid of losing you. You know, right now at this very moment, what you make me feel is that i am not that important to you. i know that you are very much aware of how we use words and how we use our "names", and yet *sigh*...
sometimes you say things that get stuck in my brain and it flashes in my mind, showing how annoying i am to you... and in my sleep only my pillow knows how much i cried.
you use the word "forgive me", "patawad", "sorry" over and over again that it doesn't seem like words at all, it feels like they're just a mantra, meaningless mantra being said just for the sake of saying it. But you know what, despite every single tear that drops from my eyes, i wipe it all away and think of other stuff, like those happy moments we were together, those things that you used to do when you still feel like doing it, the truth that God never leaves my side... that what keeps me going on... the fact that i love you more than my life keeps me going...
every time we are together recently, i feel lonely. yes, you are with me but your mind and heart are not. i have no idea where they are and when i ask you, you'd say you're just there. i'm sorry but that's not just how i feel. you're so far away... and just this night, we were okay before we parted ways, but when you were at the bus you started drifting again. the same thing happened when you woke up...
it feels like i don't know you anymore...
who are you?