Over the past few months, during my time in this private Hospital, terrible things have come to pass... I think they are still coming to pass; I don't think it's over yet.
I am at fault. I do not deny my mistakes. And these things that I did for less than a month has affected my entire life more than all my mistakes summed up--I think. My whole family was affected by it and my father stopped talking to me at all. I was at the brink of taking my life away. I have a gun in my room and I was planning on using it to end my life. All these dark thoughts entered into my mind and all I could ever think of was that I was a great disappointment to my family, to my parents. A day won't go by without a tear being shed. I am the big problem of my family and I do not want that. I do not want to be the one who brings them dishonor. And yet I did.
Everyday I go to work, still wearing a smile. Still walking up and down the stairs. Still breathing. I look at the mirror and saw a different person. I walk along the streets with my mind wandering about. There is this gnawing pain at the pit of my stomach that I cannot for the love of God ignore. Everything that goes through my mouth, I throw it all up. Everywhere I go, I keep having this paranoia that people might be talking about me.
One day I thought of maybe driving into the woods, far away from home and then do it there. Finally end my existence. I was just so tired of everything. I was so tired of all the judgment from everyone, from all of the accusations i did not even do. I felt too tired to move, too tired to think, too tired to pick my life up. I was so down in the dumps and I don't know what to do. This has been the worst moment of my life. I just want it all to stop. My thoughts were filled with thoughts of suicide and the life after that. Will I be missed? Will somebody even notice that I'm gone?